Can Anyone Tell Me What Generic Is: JUKE KARTEL

I was told just last night by Jason Schwartzman to try and enjoy every sentence I wrote. To add to that, I once said that music is not blood sport and every musician has their own passion and they’re just doing what they love, and so no artist deserves a bashing-save it for politics. Well, it seems I am about to fail at both, I’m about to get my hands dirty, I’m about to commit a crime, I’m about to be pushed over the edge by Juke Kartel and their strictly radio-friendly music. The musicians making up Juke Kartel are Toby Rand (vocalist), Todd Burman & Dale Winters (guitarists), Tommy Kende (bassist), and Jason Pinfold (drummer). They are making music that is not their own, I can say this being almost completely certain. They could be a bunch a rubes that just love the sound of a good generic radio-friendly ear fuck, but I can’t believe this to be true.  I believe this to be the work of producer Rick Parashar, who also produced music for Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, 3 Doors Down, and Nickelback. This was made from the studio formula of making music that’s simple with simple lyrics, but hey it makes money. All you need is a few guys that are talented musicians that want to be famous and have no problem playing music that is not their own; musicians that are whores and studios that are pimps.

Juke Kartel’s new album Levolution is made up of twelve tracks that cover all the bases of new and trendy pop, rock, and hard rock. They have a few songs that are easy to read love songs, songs about being sad, a few songs that sound Christian rock, and they even cover the song called “Save Me”(track six). (I sarcastically say I have never heard a song entitled “Save Me” just  Google “save me + lyrics”). There has never been a rock song talking about a guy hitting rock bottom and needing someone or something to save himself, but consequently it turns out this someone/something is a sociopathic bitch. It’s real innovative shit or I thought so until I turned on the local rock radio station.

Is it all bad? Well I can’t say that… I mean it’s not monkeys banging on pots, the band has tremendous talent in that the vocals are great, drums are amazing, and the guitars are okay but it seems to me that all their talent is useless without heart; I would give the monkeys playing on pots and pans a better review-it would have more heart and I have always supported bizarre punk groups . After another listen as I write this review the lyrics “I’m getting closer to showing emotion” play echoing in my head for the fifth time, I’ve had  it, the gloves are off! The fifth listen was enough to push me over the edge. I must apologize for my incoherency but this last play back was the one that made me snap, I’m taking this CD out and throwing it against the wall after this song stops playing, I want to let the pain set in just a little more. I cant take this as my friend so eloquently put “Nickelshit” and raw CNN Politics in the background I’m being raped by Juke Kartel IN THE EARS AND MY EYES ARE BEING RAPED BY SOME SWINE NAMED ANDREW SHIRVELL!! PLEASE HAVE SOME SYMPATHY AND SOME TASTE!!!

Alright, we are at the end of the line for my review, and possibly my sanity. I have nothing more to say about this music, I won’t shine anymore light on this album, I won’t encourage this music, I don’t encourage pedophiles  and I won’t encourage this brand of music. I will release the review a day late to keep it away from too many eyes. Hoop-la I have lost control; I gave my first savage review. I’m off the wagon, I’m just another fat, pissed-off journalist. This is a sad night in America and I don’t think I will ever recover…Yeah Right!!

I give Juke Kartel: Levolution 2.5 “Bill O’ Reilly says, ‘Fucking Thing Sucks’” out of 5

by Josh Davis


About Josh

First and foremost Josh is a wino and an all around dangerous individual. Second, Josh is a political junkie, a wildlife aficionado, and a history enthusiast who aspires to be a raw mix between James Carville, Steve Irwin, Anderson Cooper, Iggy Pop, and a clown car. Most importantly, Josh is high consumer of "fuel," whether it be music, documentaries, or just some fun with friends and some cheap beers, it's all "fuel" and Josh is a very heavy consumer.

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