Movie Review: The Virginity Hit

The Virginity Hit wants to be funny. Honestly, it does. With extremely catchy one-liners and witty concepts the film is posed to grab a cult following quicker than a two pump chump is finished with his first time. However, whatever ground the movie makes up in giggle, it loses in originality. The outlandish and recycled plot lines make the characters you’re supposed to be cheering for more like the geeky little brother you’re ashamed to have to ride to school with. Though nobody penetrates a pie, the movie honestly feels like a  home movie version of many cult teen comedies. Furthermore, the potentially brilliant first person mockumentary presentation fails horribly as it shifts so often, it’s hard to keep track of what’s happening. For lack of a better explanation, the simplest way to describe The Virginity Hit is as the bastard spawn of American Pie and The Blair Witch Project, without the gripping fear factor that kept you watching helplessly until the end.

As for the film itself, let me break it down for you (with spoilers). Shaky camera phones and hand held digital cameras run wild throughout the film, as four boys from The Dirty South document the loss of their virginity. One by one, each of the four nerdy boys plucks their flower, until only one, Matt, remains unsexed.  In an epic Youtube based documentary style piece, Matt’s buddy Zack spams the quest (and failures) all over the net.

Now, in an age of extreme mass media often fashioned in a low-fi, do-it-yourself format, exposure can often be very dangerous. This is especially true when that said exposure leaves you looking like as ass. Some things are just better left buried in one’s privacy. Zack’s video diary of Matt’s virginity quest is exactly that. His path to deflowered is less than presentable. In fact, it’s rather humiliating.

Along the way, Matt is forced to overcome multiple struggles to become a man. After waiting two years for sex, rumors swell that his long term girlfriend Nicole cheats on him at a college party days before the event. Crushed, Matt moves forward, planning to sleep with Nicole anyway, now out of revenge. Zack and company would record the knocking of boots, the confrontation of infidelity and the breakup. In a perfect world, Matt would look like the man. However, instead they end up with a collection of video and audio featuring Matt’s erectile dysfunction, hardcore diarrhea and humiliating ass kicking at the hands of Nicole’s father. In the end, it turns out Nicole hadn’t actually slept with the college guy. She had actually only let him suck her breasts in a drunken mistake. However, Matt didn’t care, breaking up with her on the spot.
For those keeping score, that’s virginity one – Matt zero.

Of course, with his defeats posted in Youtube glory Matt’s situation gathers attention. After seeing the video, Becca takes pity on Matt and offers herself to him. To ease his anxiety, she goes to great lengths to comfort him. She sends him videos of her doctor clearing her of any STDs, as well as a handful of guys confessing her talents. Reluctantly, Matt caves. He agrees to lose his virginity to a stranger. However, the task comes with a cost. Becca informs Matt that “if he wants to f*ck like a man, he has to dress like a man” requiring him to sport a 1795.00 Ralph Lauren Black Label Suit. After a great deal of struggle, Matt succeeds, finally just stealing the suit by running out of the store screaming rape.

They then meet with Becca. She drops a list of requirements on Matt, including being completely shaved. Matt complies, though after a bit of struggle ends up having Zack do it for him.
Throughout this scene, Zack is advising Matt what to do. His most amusing advice comes as he informs Matt to be in charge. Tell her, “Girl, I’m going to f*ck the taste out of your mouth” he says. Of course, Matt goes, creating a great awkward scene between he in Becca, which by itself, makes the film worth seeing.

Knowing that Matt is a novice, Becca teaches him a thing or two about sex before allowing him to perform the act on her. She lets him test run his foreplay plans on a male blowup doll. However, while he pleasures the plastic partner, she disappears. In the end, it turns out that Becca was simply a graduate student testing how far guys will go for sex. As a result, video footage of the whole pathetic situation ends up on the net. Again, Matt is devastated.
Virginity two – Matt Zero.

In an attempt to cheer him up, Matt’s friends attempt to buy him his favorite porn star, Sunny Leone. They succeed in getting her to agree for a hefty price. So, in order to raise the funds needed, Zack and company pull out all the stops. They throw car washes and panhandle. Then they jet to the Penthouse Club in New Orleans.

However, upon arrival Sunny backs out, claiming that Matt should have sex with someone special his first time. Virginity Three – Matt Zero. Matt talks her into hanging out with him privately for five minutes where he manages to convince her to let him suck her breasts. In doing so, he levels the playing field and manages to forgive Becca. He goes directly to find her and win her heart back, confessing the whole event. She concedes.

A short time later, they sex ,completing the circle of friends. Yet, in the end I’m the only one feeling somewhat unfulfilled. While I think The Virginity Hit has a strong case for becoming 2010’s most quoted film, I also feel it could have trimmed itself down a great deal. Hemorrhaging useless story lines and scenes thrown in just for laughs, half the film is a waste of time. The other half however is gold. So it honestly comes down to a judgment call.  Is the bad worth the good? It depends on how much you like John Hughes.

I give The Virginity Hit 3 “Blow Up Dolls” out of 5

by Josh Hammond

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