Movie Review: Final Destination 5

Man, that was a waste of time eleven years in the making. Sure, there were moments when the death scenes were hardcore enough to make Rob Zombie cover his eyes, but overall Final Destination 5 is no different than 4, 3, 2 or 1. Like everything else coming out of Tinseltown these days, recycled concepts from better movies seem to be the craze. But honestly, you could save yourself 13 bucks by missing this film in favor of a 99 cent blockbuster rental of the original. Why?  The concept has not changed over the course of 11 years. You take a gathering of very attractive people and put them in a situation where they should violently parish. One of these people will undoubtedly have a premonition of the event and the order that the carnage will take place. Once the flash forward has ended, this person manages to save the collection of actors. Usually, the highest paid and most known actors are the ones to survive. Their survival seriously pisses off the grim reaper, who was paid to do a job correctly and doesn’t want the mob to put a hit out on his head. Therefore, he returns to the area, fucking with the electricity and collecting the remaining cast one by one, in freak and creative ways.

Final Destination 5 throws 3D into the mix, shooting blood, guts, arms and bits of glass off the screen and over the viewer’s heads. Realistically, this is the only element of the latest installation in the series worth mentioning. The film is shot in a manner that surrounds the third dimension, intentionally finding ways for the death to pop. However, this in no way can compensate for the pitiful acting performances and unconvincing writing that takes place in the film. Granted, Final Destination has never been in the running come Oscar season, but Final Destination 5‘s dialog makes the 1st film look like The King’s Speech. But, this is the price you pay when you put the man who fucked up Nightmare on Elm Street at the helm of your script writing team. I mean, can it get any worse?

Yep. It can. Seriously, take a second and IMDB this cast. Heroes? The Walking Dead? Bit role in shit film number 7? What the fuck is this? Comprised of a bunch of C list television cast offs (and a DJ) awful actors spout mediocre lines throughout the course of ninety minutes, I found myself cheering for death throughout the film. With awkward pauses and an unbelievable approach, it is absolutely understandable why some of these guys are best known for shit like Hanna Montana.

Everyone associated with film should be ashamed of themselves. Canada should be ashamed for allowing it to be shot in their country. The CEO of New Line Cinema should be fired for allowing their company to have any involvement in this picture. I mean, honestly, I’ve seen better acting performances at grade school Thanksgiving plays. Maybe New Line Cinema would be interested in releasing a 3D version of A Town Without A Turkey starring the third girl from the right of the ping pong tournament in Gilmore Girls. At least that script would be original.

I give Final Destination 5 1 “freaking bottle of massage oil” out of 5

by Joshua Hammond


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