Movie Review: Fast and The Furious 6 – Brandon Bray

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Apparently it’s cool to like Fast and The Furious 6 and give it high scores and give in to the total disregard it has to anything approaching what a good movie might be. I tend to enjoy big dumb spectacle movies more than others but this one is a total turd. But honestly, what did you expect?

 If you feel the need to skip out on watching movies that might actually be worth seeing or have already seen spectacle done appropriately (Star Trek: Into Darkness or Iron Man 3.) then do yourself a favor and find something else to watch and/or go home and mow your yard or paint your house.

 You want to see The Rock and Vin Diesel fly? Go see Fast and The Furious 6 because little did you know if you’re the best at stealing cars, lift heavy weights a lot and/or are part of the military you can actually fly. Yep, thats a real thing. That actually happens in this movie, twice. There are also tanks and big bada-boom ‘splosions and CGI car chases that look like crap. This movie really has it all. A true blockbuster of entertainment.

FF6

Do I have to tell you what the movie is about? Its about cars and dumb ass dialogue written by inbreds. Everyone is the best at what they do. When I say the best I mean, THE BEST. Ex-military special ops covert killer for the CIA ultra top secret group. THE BEST! Doiiiieeeeee.

My favorite thing to think about is that grown men and women were sitting in a room reading this horse crap and thought, wow this is really compelling cool stuff, here’s 100 million dollars. I bet if this writing staff would have thought of powering a car with farts they would have put it in this movie.

Capital J – “Bro, the engine is totally tuned by the best mechanics in the world. So tightly tuned that a fart might make the engine turn over.”

Crazy Frank – “Dude we are out of gas. I’m willing to try anything.

Capital J – (Smirks) “Its a good thing I had those five spicy guacamole chicken and jalapeno burritos with double beans last night.”

Crazy Frank – “You had five burritos?”

Capital J – “Yeah I have to fuel these muscles with somethin’, bro. I mean look at my body. I’m the best, and totally bodacious!”

Capital J puts his butt hole on the gas tank and blows 10 massive farts into the tank.

Crazy Frank then begins to try and turn the car over. KABOOM! the car turns over and begins shooting fire from the exhaust.

Capital J – (smiles) “Victory!!! I’m the king of the world!! All hail my turd box!!”

Capital J hops in the car with Crazy Frank and zooms off into the sunset on their way to rescue Carla from THE BEST SPECIAL OPS FORCE on the planet!!

If you haven’t seen Fast and The Furious 6 yet then guess what, I found the abridged version online. Now for your viewing pleasure:

Fast and Furious 6

Great, huh?

Do I have to rate this? It’s not good, don’t see it.

By: Brandon Bray

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